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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Alyssa Long's InsaneJournal:
| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003 | |
| 1:28 am | no more http://alyinsane.diaryland.com thats my new diary. you know what makes me so mad? im leaving this place for it too. you only get two pages of diary entries. and once you get past that, they delete what they cant fit. they deleted so fay my first 12 entries. this bites. im outtie. Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: Senza Fine by Monica Mancini |
| Sunday, November 16th, 2003 | |
| 3:57 pm | nope okay... nevermind im not going to the movies, and no one is up for a movie at my house. damn. Current Mood:  disappointedCurrent Music: {you} by Switchfoot |
| 2:00 pm | Today So far today 11:30am - i woke up 12pm - ate 12:30 - finished watching the movie BioDome 1:15 - started watching the middle of "a walk to remember" now here is a little thing for everyone, I have seen that movie like 5 times... and at all the sad or happy or "i love you" moments, i broke down like a baby and cried. I did that last night at the dance just in the middle of anything. like sam and i would be talking about latin class and i would break down in tears. like literally. i would go outside and cry, and sometimes in the corner of the gym. and it got worse and worse by the end of the night i was a blubbering mess, to the point where i just couldnt speak because i would tremble and break down again. 1:30 - while the movie was going on, i wrote the below poem 2- im here now.. writing on how much a of a loser i am at 5, im going to see tupac at century 12 theaters with some people... until then, i want to go out and do something, i dont care what, or with who.. i just want out of this house... but guys.. im feeling better. slowly overcoming the only thing... i... i.. i really need to go lay down. Current Mood:  distressedCurrent Music: {learnig to breathe} by switchfoot |
| 1:02 pm | my poem... i wrote it for..... "Something about you" when I look at your face I see so many colors and the love within you theres something about you in the way you walk and in the way you talk your radiance surrounds me when I see you stare in your eyes I see new light and the dreams within you theres something about you in the way you smile and in the way you grin your kindness bounds me this love within you warms me of my infinite cold that love within you keeps me safe in the darkest of nights the love with in you is what I want to wake up to each day I see you at the end Surrounded in endless light At the end of this dark void Tripping and falling I run to you Forever I have run and you just drift farther away theres something in the way I cant get through Numb with fear Paralyzed by dread I keep running to you But I never move I know now, someone is running away And Its not you Its me Its all I know To run away from the one thing I need Happiness Happiness with you, With you… this love within you warmed me of my infinite cold that love within you kept me safe in the darkest of nights the love with in you is all I ever wanted to share I know now, I was running away now your gone the void is dark there is no light in the end… it’s the darkness within me, within in me… Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: {Momma, we just can get enough} by New Radicles |
| Friday, November 7th, 2003 | |
| 2:55 pm | In class, just not my own. want to understand what I mean, go to my blogger... www.alyssalong.blogspot.com why I am not in class, but... In class. BTW, I bought some cute new clothes! Current Mood:  accomplishedCurrent Music: {Nice to know you} by Incubus |
| Wednesday, November 5th, 2003 | |
| 5:04 pm | long time Its been a while since I last wrote. Only because I have been so occupied, bringing my grades up so I am legible (spelling??? -able) to play soccer this winter. I made the team last year, go me... but couldn't play because I had a below standard GPA. Althought getting a GPA that does not allow you to play sports (below a 2.0) is virtually impossible... I, like always, do the impossible. -Juuuust kidding- Anyways, I can play this year, If I make the team for the second year. Wouldn't it be just my luck if the ONE year I get a GPA that lets me play... I dont make the team? "Thut would suck" I say... also I spit on the thought. And what else has been up with me, well nothying much. HALLOWEEN, @ school I was a Nerd, with a "KICK ME" sign on my back, a band shirt and big dork glasses (really for an austin powers costume but they loked geeky enough). And @ night I wore a bunny costume, like footsie PJ's and I tied the arms around my waste so they where just big pink fuzzy pants... a pink shirt and my bunny ears; I let the bunny ears hang around my neck against my back. I went to Alex's "Party". We watched "Leprachaune, In the HOOD" And ugly little troll smoking weed, pimpin bitches and killing people with his evil Irish power. It was wierd, along the lines of a Funny/Stupid ass movie. Left @ 11:30pm... well almost. Brandon (who was giving me and molly a ride home), His aunt who is 18 saw Alex at the Piano (alex is AWSOME at the piano btw, 7 years = sure goodness and skill) started playing all these songs showing off all her skills. Her and Alex played for all the people who where still left. I just sat next to brandon and played a Ucalalie. (the hawaiian guitar) making mario jump. (inside joke). We really left around 12:15am because I got home at 12:27pm. YUS! I did. Before my curfew! 2am! Woot! I gotta go, I am in Comp Apps and my bathroom buddy is stalking me. O.o I LOVE HER! jk jk ! Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: {Its my Life} by No Doubt |
| Thursday, October 30th, 2003 | |
| 4:00 pm | Crush I have a crush on someone. ^^;; Current Mood:  ecstaticCurrent Music: {Love is like oxygen} by Sweet |
| Sunday, October 26th, 2003 | |
| 12:47 pm | Im hungry for some home... CHEESE an BREAD. I woke up with a Blood Sugar of 391... S to the OOP to the PER to the duper duper high, blood sugar but thats better than 800. I mean a normal person is 100 and you shouldnt really get more then 200. Wo is me.. since my mom caught me try to make it on my own w/o shots and tests, she has been watching me like a hawk. Monitoring everything I eat and my shots and all that jazz. Worried moms.. its okay. I understand. Now you know what I reaaaally want??? A grilled cheese sandwhich and a side of mac and cheese... mmmmm. or chips. maybe a salad! Current Mood:  hungryCurrent Music: {shooting star} by ColdPlay |
| Saturday, October 25th, 2003 | |
| 10:43 pm | bad day.. soon better. I went and saw Mystic River with my mom today. that was after she found out i havent given myself a shot or taken a a blood sugar test for my diabetes since the 21rst. She grounded me, took me to work with her.. around noon we went to lunch. I wasnt that mad and she wasnt that mad by then. then went to the movie... aw man was it good, i mean not action guns shooting fun.. Like the plot was hella good. Its a dramatic movie. true too.. fucking haywire. theeeeeen... we rented dreamcatcher... the movie with shit weasle aliens... and then got some jambajuice smoothies, came home. watched the movie. then, i came down here.. turned on some music and just started writing. I started my article... and then read some of my book and suddenly realised... I went from hating life, to becomig heavily involved with my new James Paterson book. ^_^ And Mystic River although not action ful as a young teen would like, man was that movie all about the hype. not really, just fucking good. the performances where X to the CEL to the LANT. And being diabetic and giving myself shots, i know i hate it.. and i have to work on cooping, still after 2 years.. but its not worth contimplating your life over.. like, the overall life, how you feel about it and all... its not that bad i know now.. just another something i have to do to get through the day... Current Mood:  awakeCurrent Music: {only hope} by mandy moore... I HATE HER.. just a sad song. |
| Thursday, October 23rd, 2003 | |
| 4:51 pm | how do i remember... i wont go into it... it makes me cry to much. im no baby, i am just so deeply hurt. i mean its like the deepest gash in my skin, just starting to heal... and someone just ripped off the scab and now its bleeding again. ill write more on it later, but for now... how can one recollect thier fondest memories, when the only thing they can hold onto is nothing but emptiness and a shard of torn cloth. Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: nothing. noise makes me mad. im a wreck. |
| Tuesday, October 21st, 2003 | |
| 5:10 pm | e-mail to tim. update on my life... a little of my past happies. to: Tim <tiny@biche.com> from: Alyssa Long <alyssa.long@lycos.co.uk> cc: subject: so i am in class... being board as usual. mike (t.) is on AIM and we are harassing eachother with retarded comments like Kill, Die and stuper stupid! do you find my scarf obsession wierd? i love trolls, you know the little plastic dolls with scrunched up faces and wild hair you could play with? if you ever find one on e-bay for like $5.00 or less get it and ill pay you back.-- my mom threw away all my ones from my childhood when i was 6 and i want them back but since we all know that is not true i will just start to recreate my lovely collection. anyways i have to be going; tis 2:03pm, class is out in 7 minutes. ill talk to you in 8 mintues out by administration. aly ;-) P.S. the troll thing... applies to Bobbleheads. P.P.S. I never had bobbles as a kid, only the barbie ones from McDonalds happy meals; which i threw away since i never liked those blonde wench dolls. P.P.P.S. My favorite was a cheese burger happy with orange soda, no pickles and ketchup. Just mustard and the patty and the bun. Current Mood: accomplishedCurrent Music: computer tapping |
| Monday, October 20th, 2003 | |
| 2:36 am | Walls speak... I got up to go to the bathroom... and get a little bit of orange juice and water it down (so its' not to strong) and I can hear my mom crying. She leaves her room and I watch from the fridge... she looks like a zombie. Dead... living-dead. Her face is like torn off in the light of the moon and she is hunched over holding her stomache. I just stand there, really scared. She goes in the bathroom and I hear her pewk... I go back to my business, filling my half cup of OJ with water. Filling my cup with ice I hear pills spill and her sink to the floor. I dont bother to bug her.. if I said anything she might snap. Shes so sick and lost she doesnt know what to do. She wants medical help, but nothing else. Down stairs after she makes it back to her room I hear her heavy footsteps. My mom is a graceful person... light footed and fast. If she hadn't owned that art gallery and way back when she started out in life... I would have recommended her to Julliard for ballet. A light footed ballerina, dancing the pale blue light, moving with the violin symphony. Eyes in amazment watch her twirl and dance, not for them but for herself. Instead she tends the gallery, frames the pictures that hang and the pictures people bring to her. She carries the heavy pictures back and forth, decked with double layers of glass and thick wood frames. Shoulders heavy, arms light weights forcing to the ground she works all day. Not a ballerina... a single mother that works as if supporting a nation. Supporting and raising me, just the same; the piss and blood of teen angst. Like I said i can here her... I wish I had a door in my room. Its the hallway.. down stairs, turn left and your in my room. He door is shut and I can hear her. I dont think the fact of me having a door would help. She cries awfully loud. Enough to keep me awake, enough to let my eyes rest but not my mind. I just listen. Not through the walls.. the cieling. I can hear above m, through her floor. As if to be standing on a vast plain and hearing the sky speak words... like god if such a thing. She cries and cries, and eventually like one would fall asleep to white noise of television... or a radio; I fall asleep to her salty tears. Soon to wake but an hour later to another trip to the bath room, another capsul of pain pills and another dash of tears cascading into a soggy pillow. Thats where I am... awake, shes crying.. im writing. All I want to do is write, and all I have to write about is my mothers pain... I am not the best daughter, to write of her mothers pain and self pity. I am a disapointment... I can tell those tears are not just pain from her back and aching body of age... but the lingering disapointment that comes along with bearing me as her child.. I dont know why I think this... just a thought to a tierd mind in need of a much needed sleep. Current Mood: numbCurrent Music: {Awakening} by The Damning Well |
| Sunday, October 19th, 2003 | |
| 11:34 pm | OMG! They had an action for Giddy! Look see!!!! 0.o Current Mood:  giddyCurrent Music: giddy giddy giddy giddy giddy giddy giddy -- normal! |
| 11:29 pm | He left and now... Im back to normal. I mean Tim came and I got all happy and laughy and shit. My Mom made cookies and served milk too.. Tim stared at me weird so I couldn't sip my milk without laughing.. My milk = everywhere but my mouth. The cookies where godly. Words like Tim: Jew Bag Alyssa: Hippie milk! Tim: whats that? Alyssa: Milk.. for HIPPIES! And I made the word Juddoh bat! Like bats that do the karate type martial arts.. Juddoh... or Judo? Yea.. Judo Bat! Then tim was all wah! and i was all hey! Alyssa: Judo bats and then a bat head and BAM! OZZY! Tim: what--- the hell? Alyssa: Like Ozzy Osbourne! Tim: What about? Alyssa: Martial arts bats.. like Judo bats.. the head falls off and ozzy eats it! OZZY BAT! confusing.. now hes gone and like I said. normal. When he comes over I get giddy... I get giddy... Giddy. Current Mood: giddyCurrent Music: ----- ? |
| Friday, October 17th, 2003 | |
| 7:44 pm | Sucking the life out of me... Why do I strive on depressed and ragged anger? Its all supressed and tiresome I dont know what to do any more. I mean everything that is happening in one was or another is more negative then posative. I cant remember the last time I thought of happy bunnies and fields filles with daisies and lily's. Now is just vast and vapid fields of red and black, everything doused in anger and death. So cold, yet humid. An unbearable combination. I freeze in my dreams yet wake up covered in sweat. Its not fear though. -I am not scared I have no reason to be. Its just the dilapitated images I see. I am a normal person, with a normal life... not perfect, a little less then that but it is still normal. You cant find happiness if your looking for it. But this vast empty feeling, gaping and tearing holes in my chest is just sucking me dry, and probably will continue until im nothing. nothing nothing nothing. I dont know why i feel so blank, so naked in this world. Its just a serge of emotion and a need to express. So i am... Tonight has been nothing short of hell for me. Salty tears and shoulds filled of sour cusses and erratic nothing. Its hard to notice that life is passing by, and all i can do is walk away and exile myself into a world alone. A world apart. A convo with a friend... no, adult. "Alyssa your the happiest kid i know, so full of life and laughter" "yea.. i am! arent i!" "but i think its a cover" "???" "A cover as to whats really going on with you, ya know? something deeper?" "*nod*" "I know there is, and i know how sad you are inside... even if you show people a happiness.. your hiding huh?" "*nod*.. im not one to talk about whats going on.. why im sad or whats really up.. i dont like to bother people with my problems... i rather write them out... because most of the time people never even bother to reasdy the whole page" "...." "they wont need to worry.. they wont need to sympathise me... they wont look down at me like i am some lowlife with a problem having to do with spasmodic depression" "they wont look down on you.. what depression" "i feel better.. like i fit in with my life, not with people just with myself when i am sad.. and i normaly am anyway, its not forced, it just comes to me.." "... your a bright kid... and i worry.. and i am sorry about this, i read some of your poems.. you express yourself.. but to your paper.. not to people..." This is my life.. its not what it was before. But i will just have to deal. Where all this melacholy and gloom comes from i dont know.. it just... does... I feel so far away when i feel like this, im not ashamed of how i feel. I tell the truth and speak my heart, even if it is broken. Current Mood:  depressedCurrent Music: {behind blue eyes} by Limp bizkit |
| Wednesday, October 15th, 2003 | |
| 1:46 pm | Doughboy?! Brandons last name is "Dougherty". Like.. DOW HURT E! I thought it was doughnuty. Wow this class is funny. And my head hurts, damn pens. Gracey is typing for Brandon cus he is slow at typing. He is not fit to type. WOW, I learned to Replace words with just ONE click. Me and Gracey helped Brandon because his brain is having a day off. Brandon = suffering from eccesive brain farts. Current Mood: jubilantCurrent Music: {the hunger} by The Distillers |
| 1:24 pm | Computer and Math class, Brandons scab and gel pens! I am in computer applications class. Whoopie. Today I have been really very hyper. My new fab.. pouring diet soda into a spon and sipping it. Not drinking from the bottle. You use the spoon. Haha. Right now i have two gel pens in my hair.. ill take a picture. Like my hair is twisted around it, but only part of it... you got my hair down like normal and then two big knots on each side with gel pens through it, holding it together. Like hair chop sticks (if there is such a thing)... one is blue and the other is silver. Brandon, who sits next to me has a scab on his elbow and i keep hitting it, im trying to make it hurt or fall off. Haha, its not ew.. its coooool. jk. Scabbie o' Fun fun. (he claims it cant come off.. oh boy will i show him!) Me and Shane Tinny are going to las vegas and dirt biking for 10 days on a budget of $600, $300 each. We have to budget our food and gas and hotel stays and all that jazz... No we arent really going.. its for math. To plan out a trip and stay in our money range. Gay, isnt it?! In computer class all the computers are frozen right now.. well Mr. Stien froze them so we would watch them (aka he made it so we can use em right now) But me and Brandon (JACK W. from NZ's doppleganger!!!!!!!) unplugged our comps and turned em back on so we are surfing the net rather listen to Mr. Stein lecture us on Foot Notes and Page Breaks in Microsoft word... WERD! Aight i gotta go. My brain hurts from these pens are tugging on my to tight and i need to get to word on WP Current Mood: crazyCurrent Music: {drain the blood} by The Distillers |
| Friday, October 10th, 2003 | |
| 6:10 pm | My anger? Im not mad at tim... marc.. nick.. or TJ (well alittle Teej, my head hurts again, thnx) Im just mad.. in general. Not ready to be un-mad probably for a while. I have really hit my peak in anger and all this crap i bottle up is just boiling over. So let it boil over. Dont take anything bitchy i say serious.. unless i say.. Im Serious. IM SCREEN NAME: NAVYcorpGirl Current Mood: angryCurrent Music: {Awakening} by Damning Well |
| 6:00 pm | Current Anger.. deny thy angst. Cant a girl be angry and not be bothered? MY AIM PROFILE + AWAY MESSAGE: fuck you all!!! I hate everyone but molly. Ya'll are fucking haters; so why dont you go fuck up someone elses life, and stay out of MINE!!!! ive got nothing left for you to take away! i know.. you blame me, for everytime you walked away. so WHAT!?! you hate me!!! (i dont give a fuck!) and everything i seem to do so look back, dont turn away look at me! i was the face you were lying to!! {nothing} by unloco -------- this isn't just another teen angst. this is the end of me and you and all the potential anything between! also the beginning of the end of all the stupid friends I have that mean nothing to me and whom I mean nothing to... just leave me alone and go fuck someone else over. I have had enough of everyones bull shit! Back off! I'll take you on Headstrong, I'll take on anyone!!!! FUCK YOU ALL! this isn't a warning, its the truth... and its starting now. read between the lines... and.. F U C K O F F ----------END---------- Yea I was pissed. And I still am. why? My head hurts, so does my brain, my kneck... He head ache went away. TJ smacked me in the head. Headache came back In the office.. everyone yelling made my head hurt. Trying to find my teachers, getting all stressed. Tim, Marc and Nick asking me what was going on when i had no clue. Nick left. Marc and Tim still wondering what to do... I made a comment on Attention getters. They call me one. I hate attention. I zero in on Tim and ask what the hell he means and he says i want attention. I see that look on his face.. I am instantly annoyed. I start to walk away. THEN they say "Your doing it right now, its working" WHAT THE FUCK! FUCKING A! How is WALKING away asking for attention. How is wanting two people to leave me alone and go away ASKING for attention. How is turning my back to them screaming "LOOK AT ME!" I was trying to send the message "FUCK OFF! My head hurts! I am PMSing and having rad bad cramps!" So i walk away, flip them off and i think they got the message and they leave. -Home- nick messages me how i should tell him my problems to his face... Marc and Tim also like to rat on me and make ppl hate me too. Tim says hes sorry, and i tell him he shouldnt be.. i mean did HE do anything? Of course not.. rather just piss me off to type this. And its not tim.. its everyone i have seen today!!!! FUCK I HATE TODAY. IT SUCKS. Current Mood:  pissed offCurrent Music: {Nothing} By UnLoco |
| Thursday, October 9th, 2003 | |
| 11:55 pm | Mental wednsday: after 3pm.. after school... Got nailed in the head with a hackisack in my temple.. then again at the back of my head.. [mild concusion phase 1] thursday: tim behind me, mike jumps on tim... tims head flown forward and hitting me in the head... hurts alot. [concusion active.. head ache until 2:10pm when...] when i ran up some stairs.. tripped and smacked my head into the metal railing on the stairs... my head ache? booming. Also.. nailed twice with the hackisack once again. Thanks tyler.. By 4pm.. headache = unbearable.. reduced to tears and calling my mom to pick me up from tutoring. emergency 4:30pm - 7pm... Doctor: you have a concusion and chronic muscle spazzims in your kneck.. no school tomorrow. dont go to PE, dont join anything really active for a week. Rest. [yipee I have a pain pill] 9pm - after vomitting, I start to feel drowzy from the pain pill and fall asleep in the hall way.. 10:30pm - my mom finds me on the floor asleep and puts me to bed. Yea. Sorry if i seem [] drowzy [] annoyed [] irritated [] irritating you see my reasons? This night has been hell. And I just got up to get a drink of water. Ah.. my neck just spazzimed. Current Mood:  soreCurrent Music: {black and yellow} the used |